In my office, a mom (let's call her Lisa) sat across from me, her shoulders tense and eyes weary. “I just don’t want her to feel overwhelmed,” she said, glancing toward her daughter (we can call her Emma) who sat quietly on the couch as close to her mother as possible.
Lisa explained how, in an effort to protect Emma from her anxiety, she had been doing things for her—ordering her food at restaurants, speaking to her teachers, even avoiding social events entirely because Emma might feel uncomfortable.
“I thought I was helping,” Lisa admitted, her voice breaking. “But now she won’t even try. She’s afraid of everything, and I don’t know how to fix it.” I nodded, with compassion and empathy in my tone: “It’s completely natural to want to shield your child from fear. But sometimes, over-accommodating can send the message that the world is too scary to face.
What if we started with small steps to empower her instead? For example, next time at dinner, maybe Emma can practice ordering just her drink.”Lisa hesitated, glancing at her daughter again. “But what if she panics?”
“Then you’ll be there to support her,” I said gently, “Not to take the fear away, but to show her she’s strong enough to handle it.”
It was the beginning of a shift—for both of them.
What Is Accommodation?
In the context of anxiety, accommodation refers to the ways parents adjust their behaviors to reduce their child’s immediate distress. It might look like skipping a birthday party because your child says they’re “too shy,” helping them avoid sleepovers or allowing them to sleep in your bed because they’re afraid of the dark or sleeping alone to prevent a meltdown.
In the moment, accommodation feels like the kind, compassionate thing to do. You’re easing your child’s pain and keeping the peace. But here’s the catch: while it may bring short-term relief, accommodation often reinforces the very anxiety you’re trying to help them overcome.
The Science Behind Accommodation and Anxiety
Anxiety feeds on avoidance. When a child avoids something that makes them anxious—be it raising their hand in class, sleeping in their own bed, or saying hello to a stranger—they never get the chance to realize that their fear isn’t as big or insurmountable as it seems.
When parents accommodate that avoidance, they unintentionally send the message: “You’re right. This situation is scary, and you can’t handle it.” Over time, this creates a cycle where the child becomes increasingly reliant on those accommodations to feel safe, and their anxiety grows instead of shrinking.
A 2018 study from Yale University found that 97% of parents of anxious children engage in some form of accommodation. And here’s the kicker: the more parents accommodate, the worse the child’s anxiety tends to become. It’s like feeding the anxiety monster instead of starving it.
Breaking the Cycle: A (Messy) Path Toward Independence
Let me be honest: stopping the cycle of accommodation is not easy. It involves setting boundaries, tolerating your child’s distress, and (gasp!) tolerating your own discomfort as a parent. It’s a process, and there’s no magic fix. But here are a few strategies to start with that work:
1. Start Small
You don’t need to go from 100% accommodation to zero overnight. Pick one area where you tend to accommodate and make a plan to scale back. Just like I had suggested to Lisa, she would order Emma’s food for her, as long as Emma ordered her own drink.
2. Validate Their Feelings
When your child is anxious, their fear is very real to them, even if it seems irrational to you. Instead of dismissing their feelings, try saying something like, “I know this feels scary, but I believe you can handle it.”
3. Encourage (Gentle) Exposure
Exposure is one of the most effective ways to combat anxiety. Help your child face their fears in manageable steps. If they’re afraid of dogs, for example, start by looking at pictures of dogs, then move on to watching dogs at the park from a distance, and so on.
4. Take Care of Your Own Anxiety
Let’s be real: it’s hard to help an anxious child when you’re running on empty. If you find yourself struggling with worry, guilt, or overwhelm, don’t hesitate to seek support—whether that’s talking to a therapist, joining a parent group, or simply venting to a friend who gets it.
Finding the Humor in the Chaos
Parenting an anxious child isn’t easy, but it does come with its share of comedic moments. Like the time my client refused to go to bed until their parent “checked the closet for dinosaurs.” Maybe not the best idea to let an anxious child watch Jurassic Park before bed? Whoops!
Learning to let go of perfection—and laugh at the absurdity of it all—can be one of the best ways to cope with the challenges that come along the way.
The Takeaway
If you’ve been accommodating your child’s anxiety, don’t beat yourself up. You’re not alone, and you’re not a bad parent. You’re doing what most of us do—trying to protect your child in the best way you know how.
But remember this: the goal isn’t to eliminate your child’s anxiety. It’s to help them learn that they can feel anxious and still face life head-on. Sometimes that means agreeing to check for dinosaurs in the closet if they agree to sleep in their own bed. Other times, it means saying, “I love you, and I know this is hard—but you’ve got this.”
And if all else fails, remember: humor is your secret weapon. Because let’s face it, parenting without a little laughter would be truly terrifying.
If you find that you are bending over backwards to accommodate your child's fear or avoid them having a meltdown and you're having a hard time setting boundaries, it might be time to seek professional help.
Our San Diego, California based counseling practice specializes in helping teens and adults who struggle with anxiety. Through counseling, we help kids and young adults overcome the negative thought cycles, the constant comparison game, and worst-case scenarios that accompany the anxious brain. Additionally, we offer other mental health services, primarily for perfectionists, overachievers or others who don’t feel like they 100% fit in. More specifically we offer treatment for anxiety/OCD, and depression at La Jolla Therapy Center. If you don’t live around San Diego or the commute makes in-person therapy impossible, all of our services are available via online therapy to anyone physically located in California. Therefore, we work with clients from Sacramento to Palo Alto or even Mountain View. You and your family deserve to finally feel less overwhelmed, so let’s get started!
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